Today I had a huge disappointment which really knocked me for six, and left me feeling hopeless, foolish and incredibly sad. I felt numb, initially, and this was followed rapidly by a surge of self-hatred and self-abasement. I desperately wanted to stop the feelings, silence the voices, dull the pain by self-destructing, but – instead I took deep breaths and kept myself safe. This feeling will pass I told myself half-heartedly (because I honestly wasn’t sure, in the moment, that it would).
The point of this short and bitter-sweet blog is to say that, despite my overwhelming feelings of dejection and self-loathing, and all the urges to hurt myself in order to cope – I stayed safe! By the skin of my teeth, I admit, but I did it! I reached out to trusted friends and I am being supported whilst I crawl my way out of this pit, and I stayed safe!
Mental illnesses can be managed, support is out there, but people aren’t mind readers and sometimes we have to take the very brave step of admitting that we’re not ok. It’s okay not to be okay. I am 1 in 4 that suffers with my mental health and there is no shame in that.
Happy (or not, in my case) Mental Health Awareness Week 2018!