This will pass… eventually

Today I had a huge disappointment which really knocked me for six, and left me feeling hopeless, foolish and incredibly sad. I felt numb, initially, and this was followed rapidly by a surge of self-hatred and self-abasement. I desperately wanted to stop the feelings, silence the voices, dull the pain by self-destructing, but – instead I took deep breaths and kept myself safe. This feeling will pass I told myself half-heartedly (because I honestly wasn’t sure, in the moment, that it would).

The point of this short and bitter-sweet blog is to say that, despite my overwhelming feelings of dejection and self-loathing, and all the urges to hurt myself in order to cope – I stayed safe! By the skin of my teeth, I admit, but I did it! I reached out to trusted friends and I am being supported whilst I crawl my way out of this pit, and I stayed safe!

Mental illnesses can be managed, support is out there, but people aren’t mind readers and sometimes we have to take the very brave step of admitting that we’re not ok. It’s okay not to be okay. I am 1 in 4 that suffers with my mental health and there is no shame in that.

Happy (or not, in my case) Mental Health Awareness Week 2018!

All written out…

Apologies for the hiatus between blogs, dear readers! I’ve been busy, busy working on my second book which is in the process of being test-read by a handful of people.

My new book is all about my experience of recovering from anorexia and bulimia, and it has not been an easy book to write. As with my first book, I hope that it is an inspiring, encouraging, informative and hopeful book for people who may read it. To achieve that it was necessary for me to revisit some dark and difficult places in order to understand what was happening for me at certain stages of recovery. It has been an exhausting process, but hopefully worth the effort!

feasts and famines

I painted this about 15 years ago (the original is in the wrong format; this is a version I recreated for a exhibition). It has always
been easier for me to express myself through writing or drawing/painting. I was in a grim place (obviously!) when I painted this. This is the place I’ve been dipping in and out of as my mental health would allow, in order to finish my book.

If nothing else, it has helped me to see how far I have come over the last few years. I would say I am a different person than I was ten, fifteen, twenty years ago but I don’t think I am! I am the same person, just in a better place now. I am healing and growing and learning new things everyday. I have always been me, but I am now a stronger and wiser me. That is the silver lining that has kept me going throughout the arduous writing process these last few weeks.

I am, as the title suggests, all written out! I wanted to check in with my faithful followers (thank you, by the way!) but I am going to give myself a bit of a break now. Fingers crossed, next time you hear from me I may have found a publisher. Or not! We’ll see. But you will hear from me again, once my brain has rested and my oomph has returned…

If you want more information about eating disorders (whilst you’re waiting for my book!) check out this wonderful organisation Beat¬†