Today is a second sad day

Today is a sad day. The second sad day of its kind. A few weeks ago the publishers of my first book wrote to tell me they wouldn’t be publishing my second book. Today the second publisher I tried told me the same. Gutted doesn’t cover how I feel right now.

I am running out of publishers who will take unsolicited submissions, so I’m now looking for publishing agents (I just found one that also doesn’t accept unsolicited submissions – I’m not quite sure how that works; do I need an agent to find an agent?) Anyway, I am seriously thinking it might be quicker and easier to start a small publishing agency business, and sending my book out from there to publishers.

I have had the rug pulled from under me, having floated on a cloud of pride and sense of achievement for months following publication of first book. I did something with my life – me! Imagine that! I brushed aside the paranoia and disappointment of receiving no reviews as ‘BPD thinking’ and focussed on the fact that I was a published author. My book wasn’t a best seller, again – disappointing, but it was selling slowly but surely and I was an author!

Today I am, as the saying goes, back to Earth with a bloody great thwack! I am gutted and riddled, once again, with self doubt and self hate. I feel ashamed and embarrassed and I don’t want people to know that i have failed.

I wasn’t planning on telling anyone my book had been rejected. I was going to wait until I had a publisher and make a grand announcement, as though the opportunity fluttered gracefully into my lap like a feather. And yet, I am writing this because I want to be honest. I have written many blogs from a place of stability and good mental health and I hope I have done my bit for mental health awareness. And here, in this low place, I want to hide my face from my friends until I am shiny and smiley and positive again. But that is not a true representation of the struggle that is sometimes life.

These feelings will pass, eventually – they always do. So I am still fighting but without much sense of hope or purpose – does that even qualify as fighting? I don’t know, but I am fighting the darkness from the inside out and for me, right now, that is hard work and it is enough.

I won’t give up, and as much as the little niggly voices within might try and convince me to stop writing, I won’t! I will write and I will add my voice to the throng of mental health warriors and survivors for whatever that’s worth.

Onwards and upwards, dear comrades. Or maybe I’ll just stay here for a few moments and wait till I can breathe (and smile) again.

6 thoughts on “Today is a second sad day

  1. Dawn Barker says:

    Dear Tracy, this news is very disappointing for you. It is also very sad news, because you are feeling so sad. It is also disappointing news for us, your readers and followers. We wait patiently, as you allow yourself the time to recover and revive from this blow, before picking up and trying again with new publishers.
    Your courage and honesty stir my heart and I read this blog feeling such empathy for you. I am sure I am not alone.
    Be assured Tracy, with your shiny gold medal for best top 10 bpd blogs that you are writing Stirling stuff. And from that fact, we stand by you.

  2. Tracy, you are an honest and courageous writer whose words need to be read and heard. You have a lot of support amongst your readers and those who’ve heard your story. Keep trying, it will happen. Much love.

  3. Immy says:

    All they are missing in rejecting it is brilliant writing! It is their loss! Im sorry tho it sounds gutting for you. I used to know a published writer so ill send her a message in case she has a knoweldge. Keep on keeping on trace xx

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